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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Solitude for the Weary

A good friend told me they wake up every morning with at least a half day's work of interesting things to do swirling about in their mind. As they have a more than full-time job, they have to resort to writing those ideas down on little scraps of paper. Needless to say, their pile of scraps is growing rapidly. I can identify. I wake up, or usually go to bed, with a thousand thoughts of what to blog about. Too lazy to write the ideas down, however, I must resort to waiting for the inspiration to come around again before I can sit down to write.

In thirty minutes I head to the cafeteria to prepare lunch for about 30 people, give or take a few. It will be a busy day today and I'll be on my feet for most of it, but I enjoy doing cafeteria chores so I don't mind. There's something very primitive and yet satisfying about participating in the basic act of preparing food, working in a familiar environment, and being able to work for several hours and not have to think.

That is my problem. I've been thinking too much these past few days, though when I stop to really think about it, I've probably been thinking too hard for some time now. Though I am a sanguine, ironically when it comes to dealing with the gray days I tend to go introspective like the melancholy who hides deep within. I do talk it out, but I am finding that the older I become, the more I need to also process in silence. Often, even silence must be given sufficient time to fully shroud the grief, the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the loneliness, and all the other emotions that come with trying times.

There have been a lot of changes happening and while I recognize that change is a very real part of life, I cannot come to terms with change that comes about through injustice. Frustrated that I am powerless to do anything, to make a statement of any type that will even be looked at, let alone heard, I feel like I am beating against a fifty-foot thick cement wall with my bare hands. So once again, I must retreat to silence where at least I will not be judged, condemned or treated condescendingly.

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