Sometimes when I have too much to do, I end up doing nothing at all. Or maybe I just enjoy my weekends entirely too much, along with all the free time that comes with it!!! It took me till about 7 this evening to get my courage up to start tidying. That was after I'd taken 4 bags of "stuff" to the give-away and sorted through a bag of old papers. Now I can finally look around and be content that slowly, but surely, this place is becoming less cluttered! It really is freeing to have less stuff, ironic though that sounds.
Driving home yesterday after spending a day with friends, I was listening to Celine Dion in the background and thinking deep thoughts, as one tends to do on a 2-hour-long drive. At one point the song "When I remember LA" came on and it reminded me of the days I had spent in Lebanon, with the friends who were very close to me, and for a moment I reminisced and missed those times. I don't think I ever fully grieved the leaving-process, rapid as it was, and every now and then a deep sadness will come as I think of the ones I loved and the fun, crazy, and amazing times we shared.
I was happy back then. I was comfortable with myself, I was the leader of the pack, my sister and I created a popular group where before there was none, and I loved life. Oh sure, there were the usual teen awkward moments, the insecurities, the whole package. I wasn't one of the "cool" kids and always stood out just because I was a foreigner. But in the midst of all of that, I loved life. I loved the excitement of each new day, always eager to see what it would bring, and I believed amazing moments lay around every corner.
I'm different now. I suppose we all grow up, to a point, and we mature and settle down and learn how to talk in code so people think we're "all that" and we've got it all together. We put on a persona that others expect us to be and we read them to make sure we're getting it right. We create realities based on what we know and then try to live within those realities, only to find ourselves frustrated and angry. I've learned how to don the mask, but it hasn't made me happier. It's changed me.
I like to think I'm a survivor. Been through a lot, continuing to battle through more of the same, and not quite ready to give up the fight. Now, as I look back on where I've come from, I do see myself as a wiser, more mature woman than I was 11, 14 years ago. Yet I also feel like I've lost a piece of me along the way. The part of me that was full of life, that lived to enjoy the moment, that dared to dream and believed those dreams would one day come true.
There are very few who will understand as they read this, unless they too have found themselves moving through life, changing into someone they weren't sure they wanted to be. Or maybe everyone feels the same way, I'm not sure. On my drive home, though, I determined one thing. I want to be true to myself. I don't want to feel the need to pretend to be someone I am not. I want to be me, the person I was created to be.
I want to live life to its fullest and I want to discover the magic of fulfilled dreams once again. I want to experience the freedom to grow and learn. I want to understand the meaning of grace and unconditional love. I want to twirl around and around until I am so dizzy I can't see straight. . .to laugh so hard I cannot breathe. . .and to wake up every morning excited to greet the day.
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Those are great things to want. I think as we grow older and try to find a place in the world, a real and important place in the world, we always will find something we want to change. The cool thing is, we can make a decision and change the things in our life that we don't like. What matters in life is what God thinks, not others. He knows our dreams, desires, wants, and needs - He knows our hearts. The others? Well, they don't count as much ;)
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