One of the Chosen Few

Sometimes knowing too much can be more of a curse than a blessing. I'm one of the chosen few. . .

I first stepped onto this campus as a very bewildered 18-year old. Struggling to make sense of my parents’ separation and ultimate divorce, attempting to fit into yet another culture that was so foreign to all the ones I had previously lived in, I was inundated with an experience that did not allow me time to process very necessary emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I skipped the questioning young adult years and left college carefully and thoroughly brainwashed into an outwardly submissive and yet inwardly rebellious product of the system. Religion and every aspect of my behaviour was presented to me in a neat package, already assembled, and I was expected to assume the garb of the graduate who now knew all things and could go on to teach others what I had learned.

Now, 11 years later, I am beginning my journey towards truth.

How can you love a God you do not know? How can you know a God if you cannot trust Him? If God is a God of love, why does He allow such horrible things to happen? These and other questions have filled my waking moments as personal experiences start flying at me out of nowhere. The innocence of childhood is long gone and now I need to understand for myself why things happened and who God really is.

When I stop to think about it, the God I see in my head is a contradictory God. I call Him Father, but I don’t trust Him to protect me. I know logically that He will not keep evil from attacking me, whether through disease, fear, pain, or death. I don’t know whether He is unable to or whether He chooses not to, but regardless of the semantics, I know that Christians are not immune to sin’s consequences, even if their own behaviour is stellar.

Maybe reality is that we have to keep fighting to see the light, otherwise we may be swallowed up in darkness. Maybe we have to battle to know who God is, and maybe we have to demand that He bless us. Maybe God does not come peacefully; maybe He comes in like a warrior and captures our hearts with His strength. Maybe He gives us the freedom to throw away everything we have ever known and start building a tower with coloured blocks. Maybe He understands our confusion, frustration, anger, and fear and provides a safe place for us to come when the pain threatens to overwhelm. Maybe He cries with us, with an aching heart that longs to reveal His love and soothe the wounds that run raw. Maybe. . .

I’m not exactly sure. You see, I know too much. I know exactly how I should walk, talk, dress, sing, study, and pray. I know when I should drink, exercise, sleep, and work. I know what I should learn, read, listen to, watch, and eat. I know where I should worship, serve, fellowship, and witness. I know all these things, because I’ve been trained well. There’s only one thing I haven’t yet learned.

I don’t know Who I love. . .

Looking for Options

It's 11:29 pm and I really need to be sleeping right now, but of course, I just spent the last two hours with my eyes glued to my laptop screen as I surfed the web.

This evening has been productive, even if I didn't get to bed quite as early as I wanted to! I've gotten into the habit of coming home and doing a couple of miles with Leslie Sansone's Walk-at-Home DVDs first thing, then eating supper, and then the rest of the evening is free to do dishes, tidy, clean, and watch TV. Tonight I got my accounts out of the way, then watched an episode of Psych on amazon.com, with Rachel's promo code. After that, I spent way too much time looking for Masters programs online. An MBA with a management or human resources, a Creative Writing Masters, an M.Ed., all look interesting but as always, the MA in Psychology, Marriage in Family & Therapy, looks the most interesting!

I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I'm going to find it. I want a regionally accredited online reputable Christian program that I can complete in 2 years and the total cost will be under $15,000. Unfortunately, good MFT programs seem to range in the $30-$40,000 range, if they're online they are usually not regionally accredited, or if they are, again, the price is exorbitant, and if I want to practice in California and meet the BBS requirements for licensure, my options are limited. It is extremely frustrating, because I feel like now is the perfect time of my life to be studying (no responsibilities, still young enough to learn, haha!) but unfortunately financially-wise, it is not possible. I will not take out any loans, either, it goes against my religion, so I'm stuck. Oh well. . .

Tomorrow is Friday, I'm so happy it's the weekend!!!

Sometimes Snow Does Not Cover

"I think I know what it means to be a good person; I don't think I know what it means to be a good Christian."

A challenging week behind me, I am grateful for a day or two to catch my breath before plunging headlong into the next. Sometimes I wonder what I'm waiting for, as the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, and now the years are trudging along. Will I one day find myself sitting on bed, 30 years from now, blogging about my long week and wondering where the time went and what I really accomplished with it? Being a type-A personality can be a blessing and a curse at times. While I am able to get things done, somehow when it comes to personal achievements, I feel like I must either get everything done right the first time or not try at all, or I must meet and exceed both personal goals and the goals of everyone else around me. Unrealistic, I know, and yet it is a very real part of my life.

I've just spent the last hour journalling, so this entry will be short. Suffice to say that this week has brought many questions but not as many answers. I continue my own vendetta against all that is unfair and unjust, unable to let it go. Troubled that the letter of the law, as it relates to skirts, takes priority over principles, as it relates to health. People are fighting to stay alive over in Haiti while we fight to keep the women in skirts over here. It's all quite ridiculous, really, when you think about it. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe no one really thinks about it.

Imagine All The People

Listening to my Jim Brickman station on Pandora and contemplating my next blog, I realized I wanted to journal a little on family. Seeing the awful disasters in Haiti has reminded me of the fragility of life and the importance of holding close those around you, especially your family.

Family is about more than just a name. Today, family was sitting in church and feeling proud inside as my 18-year old brother walked up to the front to be ordained as a deacon. A regular deacon too, not a junior deacon. He was the youngest person up there and only one of two young people under the age of 40 who were up front as elders and deacons for the coming year. Tears came to my eyes as I realized that this moment was possible because of the years of patient parenting from a single mother, the support of a loving community, young people who were role models in his life, and a God Who cared enough to walk close by his side and teach him daily.

Family was sitting around the table at lunchtime, eating spaghetti and sweet corn and aromatic garlic bread with a green salad, laughing at silly jokes. "Mom, are all dreams from God?" "Some are from indigestion!" It was taking a afternoon nap on the sofa and waking up to a quiet hum of activity around. It was sitting on the sofa watching Man's Favourite Sport with Rock Hudson, laughing at the corny jokes, and eating popcorn and lollipops. Family is that warm feeling you get inside, knowing that you are loved, knowing it will never change.

I've been blessed beyond belief with the family I have. When I see the abuse that runs rampant in today's world, kids under 18 living on the streets or disowned, parents beating their spouses or their children, unstable environments to live in, my heart aches for the children who must grow up under those kinds of conditions.

I wish I could change the world. I wish I could do it right now, and somehow, I know God must wish it even more. . .

To The Least of These. . .

My heart continues to ache for those who are hurting right now, and I understand those who get emotional and want to hop on the next plane and rush over to Haiti right now and start helping. Realistically, however, that isn't possible. So, like the many who can help out monetarily, I've donated to ADRA, a humanitarian organization that I know is already on the ground assessing the situation. They are trained to respond to situations like these, so I am confident that the money I've sent will stretch further and help more than if I tried to figure it out on my own.

I saw a clip online, people without water for 3 days, others with no medical care. Basic needs not being met and they are crying out for help. Like so many, I sit, feeling helpless, and wish I could send some of my overabundance to help others. It's encouraging to see so many people becoming proactive, donating, linking, praying. We might not be able to be right there, comforting and helping those in pain, but we can do the small part that we are able to empower others to be our hands, to be God's Hands.

If you are reading this and are able, head over to Money Saving Mom and leave a link or comment on some or all of the bloggers who are committed to donating.

Continuing to pray for the people of Haiti. . .

A Week Well Done

This has been such a good week :) I realized again, today, as I was unlocking the door to my cute studio apartment after a full day at work, that I really do enjoy being busy. I like having so much to do that I am rushing here and there, feeling quite productive. I am starting to settle in to the routine of things, figuring out how to work with the many different personality types that have come on board, and always learning more.

I realized several weeks ago that I need to let go of my ideas for what I want, my plans for this place, and not cling so tightly to my ideas of what I know are right. I'm still working on that, but I'm also realizing that God did give me a mind and He doesn't expect me to sit back and let it go to waste. It is perfectly okay to have ideas and to try to sort out the many puzzles I am faced with every day; what is not okay is my tendency to attempt to control situations.

This afternoon, I thought, "I could do this for years. Be a registrar here." I do enjoy it. Always have and probably always will. Sure, there are tough times, but when I sit back and remember that I am doing something I love to do, well, it puts a different perspective on things. I'm curious to see where and how God leads from here. Will I stay here another 20 years? Who knows!!!

In the Fifth

It's only 8 pm and already I'm turning down the lights and sitting here by candlelight with a cup of hot mint tea cooling down. I think I'll adapt TGIF's slogan to TGIW. Somehow, Tuesday seems to be the longest day of the week, but once Wednesday's gone, you just have Thursday and then a half day on Friday and then the weekend hits!

Sometimes I wonder how many free weekends I need before I start to feel bored and look about for something to do! Seems like there's always something going on, whether a special event, going out to eat with friends, cleaning and tidying at home, or sleeping in from a late Saturday night!

I've started watching what I eat, and I'm trying to get in some exercise (been successful only one day this week so far with the exercise), so I'm kind of irritable right now. I hate feeling hungry and there's only so much lettuce and carrot sticks one can tolerate. Unfortunately I'd been developing bad habits of eating whenever and whatever I pleased. So here we go, working on the New Year's Resolution to do something about this excess baggage I insist on carrying about, and adding to on a regular basis!

While stressful at times, I am actually quite grateful that my week has been super busy and that I have a lot to do. I remember the days that stretched into endless weeks and turned into mindless months when we had few students and life at the college slowed down to an islander's pace. Some days I felt like I was going bonkers because of how bored I was!!! Now, with the spring semester beginning, 31 full-time students eagerly studying away, and new staff learning the ropes, I sit back and work steadily but surely through the pile of items that demand my immediate attention and smile that I have so much work to do.

The best part of my job is, as always, the people. I worry that I don't know everything, but I try to give my best advice to those who ask, and I am happy when students and coworkers feel comfortable coming in my office to sit for a little chat. While it's true that there have been a lot of changes around here, at least I haven't changed, and people will always remain the same! Imagine, I've worked as registrar for over 4 years now! Can't quite believe it!