The Paved Road; The Cobbled Road; The Dirt Road

This is a year of decisions, of thoughts swirling through my mind, of stirring and simmering and occasionally lifting the lid to breathe in the aroma of what is to be. Hence the many posts.

At another crossroads, I ponder what is important to me. Family or having my own. Career or ministry. Knowledge or experience. Leading or serving. Stretching or living. Studying or baking. Each word symbolizes a completely different world; neither of them are necessarily wrong but neither are they necessarily right. I can throw in more dichotomies. Safety or adventure. Solidarity or uncertainty. Aging or renewing. Testing or remaining.

I made a bucket list 5 years ago. I think I've accomplished 3 of the 10 items on it. I have my green card, I kept my place tidy for more than a week (don't quote me, or send hidden cameras to document this), and I've been involved with a community depression recovery program for two years now. I don't foresee becoming a marriage and family therapist but I am finishing my MA so I just took a somewhat different route.

Am I confined by my bucket list? It wasn't a 5-year plan (thankfully!). As I explore and grow into who God created me to be, will I find that volunteering with a nonprofit is more important than visiting Austria? Or will I be too terrified to step out into the unknown by myself? Will I decide that earning a PhD is more important than having a healthy body? Or will I halt my academic endeavours and spend evenings watching reality TV? Am I still in a holding pattern, waiting for the control tower to say "You're cleared for landing" before I feel I can really live my life?

Will there be regrets?

Last night during vespers I listened amused as the speaker illustrated his point for optimism by talking about someone who would earn their PhD, then run a school on each coast. I knew they were dreaming for me and smiled but my heart did not yearn for its realization. Tonight, I got my nightly text from my temporary deaning job, letting me know they were in for the night. I smiled and for a moment thought, I am nearly old enough to be their mother.

Some dreams we can realize ourselves; others we dream in silence for years never to come true. Some dreams we build out of dirt and water; others slide down the end of rainbows into our monochromatic lives. Some dreams we follow; others find us dreaming and in that moment we know. We were created for this.