Of Breadcrumbs and Books

They're gone. They're all gone. 

I was in the middle of a homework assignment from my counselor—write a list of words that describe you. I dutifully typed up the usual; sister, wife, creative writer, loves to travel and try ethnic foods. I added a new one—likes miniature decor—and as I did so, I looked up at my bookshelf facing me that housed two shelves of miniatures. Behind them, in a haphazard sort of way, stood two complete rows of books underneath which a third shelf held another seven smaller paperbacks. These were all the books I had with me now. Other than a black and yellow tub in my mom's basement that held 50 or so books that I still had to bring over one day, I had no more books to call my own. 

They were all gone. 

And as I sat in that knowledge, a deep melancholy sadness came over me. I knew theoretically that I could buy books at any time. I knew that my most precious books from childhood were sitting on those two shelves, Heidi, and Under the Blood Banner, and Little Pilgrim's Progress. I knew that 80% of the books I had bought, I had never read cover-to-cover, unless they were a story, preferring to read snippets here and there and then place them back on the shelf in anticipation of reading the whole book one day. I knew books were merely paper and ink—lifeless soulless inanimate objects—that didn't deserve to be mourned over in the way that I was doing now. And yet, the grief was still there, buried under years of a don't-care'ish attitude because if I cared, I would feel. And if I felt, I would hurt. And if I hurt, I would be vulnerable. And if I was vulnerable, if somebody actually noticed and took a moment to care, I would crumble like a paper-thin page from a century-old book. 

It was why I had gotten so good at listening to others, deflecting attention from myself, talking about events and experiences without sharing the real me. Who the real me was, I wasn't even sure I knew. I didn't know how far back I would have to go to find her. Was she sitting in a tunnel under a bridge, holding on to her knees, rocking back and forth, sobbing because she was so alone? Or was she dancing in the thrill of an African summer rain, face to the sky, open and unafraid of life? 

Was this urgent feeling of needing to scoop up all the books I had ever owned and surround myself with them so strong because over the years I had had to let pieces of me fall by the wayside as I moved on, even though I wanted so badly to keep those pieces with me? 

I don't read these books; they are old, I reasoned as I packed up yet another box of books to take to the giveaway room on campus. 

Thirty years ago, I had given away my favourite big doll with the sculpted plastic hair and a single sprout of hair poking out like a ponytail on top. It was expected of me, and I was happy to do it, in the moment. To walk into that hospital and give away my toys to the sick children. It was what missionary kids did and Jesus loved them for doing it. 

Except the kid who got that doll could have just as easily been given a store-bought plastic doll and it would have made no difference to them. The only person who remembered so many years later was me, the one who had picked out that doll when I was just three years old on a summer holiday with my parents, granny, and favourite uncle in Spain and Portugal. My granny had told me to choose a toy and I, so cleverly, had chosen a doll pushchair. Feeling sorry for me having a pushchair with no doll inside to push around, she had then bought a large doll for me and I left that store with not one, but two gifts that day. 

The doll, the books, the Tupperware olive container, the other red peeler, the pillar glass clock that sat on top of the piano. Tangible pieces that I could follow, like Hansel and Gretel's crumbs, back to where I began. 

But where did I begin? 

Breathing on Dry Bones

Look at that baby, my husband nudged me as he nodded to the right. I turned and looked, perfunctorily saying, Oh how cute! as I tried to hear whether the muddled overhead announcement was for our flight or another one. Cute? She looks funny! he said. I took a closer look. The little one's hair was looking more like a mohawk than anything else and she had distinct facial features. I shrugged and thought nothing more of it. 

It was a game we'd been playing since we had gotten married five years ago. Anytime one of us saw a chubby baby, we'd point them out to the other and smile together at their antics as their parents hurried by. We didn't have children of our own. Most of the time it didn't bother me, especially when I was around small ones that had a lot of energy and I was only too happy to hand them back to their parents at the end of Cradle Roll Sabbath School. 

Except every now and then, things felt different. 

After some mild turbulence during the second half of our, thankfully, short flight, we landed and started to deplane. The small "international" airport had stairs for us, pushed up to the plane by one of the ground crew, and the crew member directing the plane to its parking spot used a thumbs-up gesture instead of a fluorescent marshalling wand. We walked across the tarmac into the terminal and joined the huddle of passengers waiting for bags to start trundling out on one of the only two baggage belts there. 

As I wearily waited to the side with my carry-on, my eager husband having claimed a spot right next to the flaps where the bags came out, I noticed a couple of kids pushing a baggage cart around to amuse themselves. One young boy came over with an empty cart and as he passed his mother, I noticed she was the same lady who had been holding the baby we'd seen at the beginning of our flight. 

The baby noticed me in the same moment I noticed her. Almost automatically, I smiled. Her tiny face lit up immediately as her smile spread from ear to ear, she chuckled happily and kicked her little legs with glee. A tear pricked my eyelid as a pang of sadness slipped uninvited through me. Her mother noticed the little one's sudden burst of energy and turned to see who she was looking at. When she saw me, she also smiled and I smiled back through the tears that threatened to cloud my vision. Blinking rapidly, I turned away but not before I saw the understanding glance of a woman who could not speak my language but saw the empty arms and felt the lonely heart. 

The baby kept giggling and smiling at me until the family had claimed their bags and headed for the arrivals door. I watched them leave with a wistfulness I had learned to bury deep down over the years. I had all my answers down pat—I am too old, most women my age are grandparents, I wouldn't want to risk having a child with a serious illness, this world is becoming too uncertain to raise a child in. 

It didn't make the loss any easier, though. 

I See You

It had been one of those days. Fitful sleep, awake in the middle of the night with a sneezing fit, losing sleep while I waited for my allergy meds to kick in. I was so thankful I'd brought those meds. I showed up late to breakfast, everyone else was nearly done, and I hurriedly ate something as they started clearing the table. Kids running through the house shouting, slamming doors. People constantly talking over and around me as I tried to do my presentation on health. The studies seemed dry, the facts they already knew, and everybody had a story to share. I retreated to my room after a rather tiring day, sent an audio to a friend, and opened up my Bible app. 

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded. 2 Chronicles 15:7

A song came to mind, Tenth Avenue North, Fighting For You, and as I listened, the tears finally came. 

Heaven had better be worth it, because if it isn't, then all of this sacrifice was for nothing. The short nights, the loneliness, the difficult beds to sleep in, the anxiety on yet another flight, the unfamiliar foods, the strange people in my house. I could have walked away so many times. 

I listened as the lyrics sank deep down. 

Jesus could have walked away too. There was nothing holding Him down to this earth. Except His love for me. 

Jesus fought with every ounce of His being to resist the devil's temptation to give in, have an easy life, eat nice foods, and receive the false worship of many, because He saw me. And He couldn't stop fighting for me.  

In that moment I realized that even if nobody else saw me, Jesus did. Jesus saw me as He walked to the Mount of Olives. He saw me as He knelt and asked God to take away the cup of suffering He was about to drink. He saw me as the crowd came in the night to arrest Him. He saw me as the Roman soldiers beat Him and placed the thorn of crowns on His head. He saw me as He was pushed and shoved from court to palace, waiting patiently for the guilty verdict. He saw me as He stumbled under the weight of the wooden cross on the road to Calvary. He saw me as the nails were cruelly hammered into His hands. He saw me as the darkness set in, the earthquake shook, and He couldn't feel His Father's presence anymore. He set His face like flint and resolutely committed His spirit into God's hands. And in that last moment before He took His last breath, He saw me. And He knew it was all worth it. Even if heaven was lost to Him. Because He knew I would make it and that was enough for Him. 

So to the one who is going through a difficult time right now, struggling to find their purpose in life, trying their best to make it through the day, I see you. I see your sacrifices, seeming small in the eyes of others, yet they are all you can bring to God today. I see your commitment and determination to keep going, even though you keep falling down, keep making mistakes, and keep messing up. I see how you pick yourself up and try again. I see you. 

And God sees you. And He will keep fighting for you. Even on those days when you feel like you can't.