You are My Tomorrow

Will you miss me?

Yes, of course I will miss you. 

Will you come back?

I don't think so. It hurts me to say so, but I think when I leave, it will be forever. 

I feel sad. 

I know, me too. I feel a bit panicky, too. It's different this time. I know anytime I need to, anywhere in the world I happen to be, I can buy a ticket, step on a plane, and return for a visit. But those old feelings are still there, buried deep deep down. Those feelings from the first time I left you. 

That was the hardest, wasn't it?

I think so. I'd left so many times before, other countries, other homes, other family. But this time, it really hit hard. I thought it was because I was leaving a boy behind, but I realized later, it was because I was leaving you. 

How did you know?

I knew when I sat on the cement rectangle on the roof of North Hall, night sky, pinprick stars, blinking landing lights on incoming international flights, and the city lights leading to a vast darkness with the occasional fishing boat tracing a constellation of its own in the sea. I knew when I listened to Carrie Underwood's See You Again and the words fit exactly how I felt. I knew when I sat on the public bus, wind brushing my hair, sun warming my face, the plastic torn seat beneath me, cigarette smoke filling the aisle, as a deep joy welled up within me. I knew when I escaped to the mountains for a breath of fresh green air, as I wandered through orchards ripe with fruit and ate my fill, overlooking red roofed houses and heavily laden grape arbors. I just knew. 

We had a good time together, didn't we?

Yes, we did. I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with you, I never tried, but you had a hold of my heart 25 years ago and you never let go. Not even when I took to the skies in '98, never imagining I would return. 

Can you forgive me?

Forgive you? For what?

For the pain I put you through.

You didn't hurt me. I realize only now, after spending 3 years hating the system, wishing with every cell in my being that I could leave, that it wasn't your fault. It was theirs. All theirs. You never had anything to do with the searing emotional and mental pain I had to endure. You did your best to care for me, cradle me in your arms when life got too tough. I know. I felt it. Sometimes I would stare out my window and see the branches of the tree, the leaves, a single bird, and in that moment I felt security in the midst of a world that was spinning faster than a top and more crazily than a clown. 

Remember your trip to Sidon? 

I'll never forget! I wanted to explore, be brave, try out new adventures. You encouraged me, helped me find my way, and protected me. I never felt afraid when I was out and about. Remember the boat trip to the little island only big enough for a mini lighthouse? I was deathly scared of going in small boats but you encouraged me and off I went, to create a memory of a lifetime. 

Can I ask one more question?

Of course, what is it?

Well, I'm a bit shy, but. . .I always wanted to know. What made you fall in love with me?

You were a part of me. When I was with you, I felt like I had come home. I never had to explain myself or try to meet halfway because we never had any arguments. There were rough times, yes, but those were due to circumstances out of our control. 

But you withdrew for a while. I didn't see you for nearly 3 years and it hurt. 

I know. I wish with all my heart I could have done something different, but it was impossible. Covid-19 changed everyone's lives and for me, it was devastating. We couldn't eat together, go to concerts together, visit little art gallery exhibitions together, live life together. 

You had your life and mine stopped.

I didn't have a life. I was imprisoned in my own home; gloves and masks my armor, as I frantically scrubbed and stayed 6 meters (not feet!) away from anyone who had a hint of a cough. Slowly, my zest for life disappeared until the flicker of hope for a brighter future had all but disappeared. 

But you came back. I'm so happy you did. 

I did. Concerts, restaurants, day trips all became a reality again and my heart was happy. 

We had a good run, didn't we?

We did. 10 years, a quarter of my life, was spent with you. I just wish it could have been longer in better circumstances. 

Don't forget me, please. 

I never could. You introduced me to the love of my life. You didn't know it, but you gave me my tomorrow. Thank you, thank you, for loving me enough to give him to me so I would never be alone again. I can leave now knowing I will be okay. You will too, you know. 

Yes, I hope so. 

I know so. You healed the broken heart of a teenager, giving her hope and changing her life in the very place her world shattered. If you can do that, then you can rebuild your own bright future. Don't give up; keep going. And know I will always keep you in my heart, wherever I go.