How to be present

We would like to come and pray with you. Let us know when is a good time to stop by, a friend texted. I smiled at their thoughtfulness. They knew we were caught up in the middle of a difficult time and, while wanting to support us, were understanding of our need for space to do what needed to be done. 

I will let you know when it's a good time, thanks so much for reaching out, I replied. As my sister-in-law continued to lie unconscious in the hospital, and the prayers, messages, and food poured in, I started to see a pattern and understand more about how to support others in their time of difficulty. So, for everyone's convenience, I decided to blog about it. 

What not to do when someone is going through a difficult time

• Don't show up unannounced unless you are a pastor. The family is most likely trying to coordinate a million and one details, depending on the situation, and having a steady flow of visitors coming through will tire them out and take their focus off helping the one who is in critical condition. 
• Don't stay long when you visit. 30 minutes is a good length of time. Any longer and again, you distract them as they are trying to answer calls and decide what is best for their loved one. 
• Don't share stories of other people you know who were in similar situations and died. That is super discouraging. If you haven't dealt with your own issues of loss, go talk to a counselor; don't burden a family already upset with your personal problems. 
• Don't tell them, This is a test from God as if that is supposed to make them feel better. They will more likely end up resenting God for the bad situation or you for trying to make God out to be a bad Being when all blame for evil rests rightly on the devil. 
• Don't message them one or multiple times a day asking, Is there any update? You may think you are showing your concern but the family are not your personal Instagram feed, providing updates in real-time each time you refresh the page. Just because we live in an instant world does not mean that life happens instantly. Especially in critical medical cases, some decisions have to be thought through carefully with all their implications and constant hounding of messages asking to be updated just frustrate those who are providing the updates. They will update you when and if they are able. 
• At the same time, don't ask them in-person the same question, as if every time you see them there will be something new to report. Say hello, give them an appropriate hug or handshake, remind them you are praying for them, pause appropriately for them to share if they want to, and if they are silent, take your leave. 
• Don't say, Oh, I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. This must be so difficult for you. If you cannot imagine it, telling them that won't make them feel better. On the contrary, it will seem as if you are trying to put the focus on yourself and they will end up resenting you. Remember, they are operating with limited emotional supplies right now as they have to be strong for other family members. Instead, try saying something like, You are being very strong but if you need a listening ear, I am here for you. Or, You are doing an amazing job supporting your spouse during this difficult time. 
• Don't say, Oh, I wanted to stop by but I was busy doing x,y,z. This sounds like everything else is a priority over supporting the family who is going through a difficult time. Simply say, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Would tomorrow afternoon be a good time to stop by?
• Don't tell them about your personal drama that you are going through right now. You probably have more than 1 friend other than the family, so talk to someone else if you need to talk. This is not the time to focus on your petty insecurities. Also, don't share random gossip or talk about topics that seem trite unless the person introduces the topic to distract themselves. If you initiate it, you will sound insensitive and uncaring, even if you mean well. You are not Dory; you can keep your attention on the one who is going through a difficult time for more than 15 seconds. 

Do try to do these things

• Give them a hug and say, I am here for you. If it's appropriate, remind them how much you love them. 
• Drop off a bowl of re-heatable food or salad. Healthy options are welcome as the family may not feel like cooking or have time to go grocery shopping. Don't worry about cooking something fancy; a simple plate of beans and rice is just fine. 
• Ask if there are any errands you can run for them. Maybe they didn't get a chance to pick up their dry cleaners or they are out of bread. 
• Send a message saying, We would love to come and visit and pray with you. When is good for you? This lets the family know you are there for them and, when they have some free time, they will be happy to invite you over. Don't worry if it takes them some time to reply; they know you are there and will let you know when it is good to visit. 
• Share some good memories about the person who is in critical condition. A funny story, a special moment, a deep spiritual interaction, all serve to either lighten the mood or encourage the family that the person is being remembered and they mattered to you. 
• Speak about the person in the present tense. Unless someone has passed away, it is insensitive to speak about them as if they have already died. Using the present tense helps the family to keep hope alive, rather than feeling like they should start grieving a death prematurely. 
• Share photos of the person with the family or post them on social media if appropriate. Seeing the photos will cheer them up immensely and they will probably save those photos to look at over and over during the difficult time. 
• Talk about random things here and there that are interesting or funny. These serve to break up the somberness of it all and help the family to shift their mood for a time away from the adrenaline of caring for the sick person.