Take 2, or maybe Take 59. It doesn't matter in the end, anyhow.

Today is not a good day. But then again, I cannot remember the last time I had a genuinely good day. 

Dear God, today is not a good day. I whisper it under my breath, thankful for the mask that muffles my voice so nobody hears me mumbling to myself in the middle of Ross. 

I've been working my way down the aisles, women's shoes to handbags to sheets to frying pans  and now I am staring at a rack of dresses. I feel a bit panicky but hope it will pass. I take 2 bras off the rack and head to the fitting room. Thankfully one fits.

Later, I realize I haven't looked for sweatpants. I hunt through the small selection, discouraged that I am now an XL, and finally find one that looks decent. In the fitting room I try it on. I peer into the mirror and see the tears starting. I don't have a tissue so I wipe my nose on the back of my arm and my eyes with a corner of my soft gray-blue pilling blouse. I sit down and whisper again, I'm not doing good today. 

After a few minutes, I manage to collect myself. I meet my mother in the clearance section and we both ponder our potential purchases. She agonizes over a soft pink day bag for work. I look at 5 boxes of discount headphones, the black sweatpants that don't fit perfectly but will do, and a snappy pair of cute beige heels. I add it up in my head. My monthly salary now worth $315 flashes like neon lights in my mind. I have the cash but spending it on things I do not need, like a pair of heels when I have a closet full back in Lebanon, heels I haven't worn for a year since the pandemic began, seems frivolous. Never mind they are comfortable and would look perfect with the flattering black dress my mom found for free in the mailroom. Or that they would match every outfit I currently own. I look at the 5 boxes of headphones. My head hurts just trying to think about which ones to choose. I hate having to buy for other people, namely a very picky husband and SIL. 

After standing frozen in the aisle for more than 5 minutes, I grab the fitted sheet set and the bra. I leave the cart full of carefully chosen purchases behind. Today, I cannot deal with them. I cannot deal with life.

I go home and unfriend most of the people on my Facebook page. I choose 5 books from a bookshelf packed with books that I spent hard earned money on but are now worth pennies on the dollar, and I tell my mother she can take what she likes. I will donate the rest of the 100+ books. I battle with myself to reach the mental state I need to just throw everything out. To forget my past self. After all, who cares about that person from before? Nobody, so why should I? I have to continually reinvent myself each time I move and I am sure I will be cursed to keep moving several times more, so now is as good a time as any to forget the Maria before. I do not need to bring her into my new life. 

Tomorrow I will start on the cupboard. Maybe, if I can manage it, I will be able to throw everything out. There can be no regrets. Only resentment. And anger. For the rest of my life. Because this life is not a good life.