Greatest Expectation

I managed to get him into a second doctoral program. Fully paid for. He beamed up at me as he shared what he felt was really good news for G. It was good news. I was happy for G as he was a personal friend of mine. At the same time, my heart crumbled just a little bit more. 

Some people have all the luck, flashed through my mind. I knew it wasn't true. Most people have difficulties in life but oh how my heart yearned to get into a doctoral program. I had so many ideas, so many directions I could go, so many areas I was passionate about. I had recently discovered that I loved teaching but was limited by my graduate studies as to what I could teach on the university level. I contemplated more master's level courses but found myself irritated and bored in class so I quit. I was ready for a challenge. I knew I could meet it and I knew I would grow immensely from it. I was confident that if I had the chance to complete a PhD, I would actually use the knowledge I had learned and continue building on it to thrive mentally and emotionally. 

I missed that. For years now, I felt stuck. The greatest expectation of me was being able to print business cards or schedule a Google Calendar meeting. Every now and then I joined an online webinar from another university—a writing workshop, a seminar on architecture and glass, diplomacy in the Middle East. Some were in my wheelhouse, others were completely foreign territory, but I reveled in the mind-stretching exercise to learn new terminology and expand my awareness of other topics. For an hour or so, I felt intelligent. 

I guess I cannot complain. There are many who have not even completed their bachelor's degree and are desperately searching for opportunities and finances to do so. I should be thankful for what I have earned. Yet the desire doesn't go away. I want to write books, read books, delve deep into psychology and understand adult TCKs and identity. If I could do anything in the world, I would complete a PhD in Psychology with a focus in TCKs so I could lecture, write, and counsel in a way that would give them tools to manage their many complexities born out of a life they did not choose. 

But that is just a pipe dream. For now.