Some Days I Feel Lost

I remembered that quick turn into a side alley so I was happy to not miss it as the GPS directed me to turn left. Several speed bumps later I was squeezing past a huge white Mercedes as I pulled up and onto the main road. Except the GPS was telling me to go left and I was faced with 3 roads, none of which went left. I froze for a moment, waiting for traffic to pass, until an angry lady stopped in the converging lane and gestured out of her windscreen to move. I made a quick decision and took the immediate right. The GPS automatically redirected me. Into a square. Back to the same place. This time I didn't go into the small alley but instead continued straight. I thought I would be able to turn left but once again I was turning right. I instinctively knew where I had to go but I could not get there. I found myself starting to panic. Traffic was coming at me from all sides. Where should I go? Left? Right? Straight ahead? 

In that moment I had to do what I've had to do several times in the past weeks, or maybe it's months by now. I had to mentally grab ahold of myself, like a parent does with a hysterical toddler, and tell myself firmly, You have to make a decision. I could not freeze in the middle of an extremely busy street. I had to choose a direction and go. So I did. 

Somehow my internal GPS redirected me to the general direction I needed to go and my phone GPS caught up, taking me the final kilometer to where I needed to go. After doing one more turn around the block to find a parking spot, I pulled in to double-park behind another customer at the business. I had reached my destination. 30 minutes to travel 3 kilometers. 

Some days I come to work and my mind shuts down. My husband asked me at lunch today if I had a lot of work to do in the afternoon. I told him I did. I had reports to follow up on, emails, HR-related items, and of course the never-ending inane tasks that seemed to fill my day. I would probably find time to read the daily headlines so I could know which towns were on lockdown and whether I could have 3 or 4 people in my car. I would search desperately for a meme or three to save to my thousand+ collection. I would look out my gigantic picture window at the calm sea and cityscape over which a collection of birds constantly hovered. Then I would shift uncomfortably on my squeaky office chair and resume typing. Typing, typing, typing. Until the next kalapook came to ask me a question and my mind shut down once again. 

The speaker for the week of spiritual emphasis today hacked out the usual Christian cliche--God brings difficult times into your life. He was trying to illustrate the familiar story of Jonah, the runaway prophet. I cringed inwardly, while simultaneously wondering if I was the runaway prophet. I'd been reading Lies Women Believe and battling its concepts that women should be submissive and obedient to show their true commitment to God. Submission = following God. Not following God = difficult times in your life. So apparently I wasn't a good enough Christian because everything was difficult now. 

Not only was I incessantly fighting to manage in a crippled economy, along with the COVID-19 pandemic, I was trying to get answers for personal and work-related issues. From medical to rental to educational issues, I felt like I had been fighting for months with no answers. Difficult times were my norm now. I didn't know what it felt like to just live life and manage the every day things like laundry, changing the oil, or baking a cake. There seemed to be no end in sight. 

Some days I feel lost. I freeze in the middle of the aisle in the fruit and vegetable market because I cannot accept that I should pay $9 for a kilo of persimmons. The only affordable fruit, pears for $4 a kilo, look like they expired a week ago. I start to mentally panic, worried how our bodies will get the nutrition they need. I load up on potato chips, clearly aware they are junk food, but they are the only affordable emotional snack I can find to cope with it all. Then I head to the checkout and breathe a sigh of relief when the bill is below 200,000 LBP. 

This is my reality now. Life consists of mustering enough energy to battle for the simple things. My meager earnings. Food. Medical needs. Timely decisions. Clear communication. I'm no longer striving for perfection. I'm just trying to exist.