Of Sesame Doors and Falling Stars

So I'm a bit of a wreck, really, when it comes to trusting God. I go through this cycle over and over and over again, and I imagine He's up there wondering why I don't seem to be able to grasp the simple fact that He loves me very very much and would never do anything to hurt me. Perhaps it's because I've rarely stopped to allow myself to think that God may not be like the one who was supposed to model Him best to me, or like the many other broken human beings in my life who were just trying to keep their own lives from falling apart.

I started reading a book today titled The Way to God and How to Find It by Dwight L. Moody. I was sitting in a grand cathedral with more than half an hour to spare while I waited for a Christmas choral concert of John Rutter selections. Idly opening up my Kindle, I realized there was nothing really interesting to read, so I decided to browse the book by Moody. I had set out on the evening by myself, determined to go to the concert alone as nobody else could make it, because I needed some quiet time alone with God. Hence, the book.

Two chapters later, I reluctantly turned off my phone to concentrate on the concert as the musicians began to enter. Though I don't often read religious books voraciously, this one caught my attention from the first sentence and it was difficult to put it down. The topic? God's love.

Moody writes in an interesting fashion because he sprinkles in many short illustrations, stories I had not heard before, and his old-English style is much welcomed after reading the sentences classified as English but really, they are so low on the rung that it is almost impossible to agree. Yet these are not the main reason why I continued to read page after page, though I am rather loathe to read on electronic devices. It was the topic that caught my attention.

So, many of us have discovered something of the love of God; but there are heights, depths and lengths of it we do not know. That Love is a great ocean; and we require to plunge into it before we really know anything of it. . .the love of God is unchangeable. (ibid)

I've been having some heart-to-heart talks with God lately about something we've been talking about for quite some time now. Every time I try to take matters into my own hands, I find myself getting stressed and anxious and certain that things will fail. Every time I pray and ask God to guide my life, I find my heart filled with peace and joy. Yet for some reason I can't seem to learn the lesson well enough for it to stick. I keep trying to do things my own way, having unrealistic expectations, or believing the devil's lie that God won't fulfill His promises and doesn't want me to be happy.

I came home after the concert feeling somewhat down. I recognized the melancholy feelings immediately, and instead of staying in my room, I grabbed an old blanket, my headphones and phone, and headed up to my quiet place on the roof. After spreading the blanket on one of the pillars, I hopped on and stared out at the city, whilst scrolling through my YouTube mix to find the perfect song.

Several fails later, I decided on one I knew would speak to my heart as it had so many times before. I pressed play and then answered some unknown nudge to look up. Hillary Scott sang, Thy Will Be Done as I watched a falling star explode into a perfectly bright white cylinder of light before trailing off into nothingness right in front of me. I could have almost reached out and touched it.

As the star vanished, my first thought was, how could a falling star be so close? Isn't it supposed to be up in the sky somewhere far away? Then I realized, why couldn't God place a falling star right in front of me? It was His star, after all. It was then that I cried.

I've been here for 1 year and 10 months now. During that time, I've never seen a falling star. I've always wanted to see one. I'm just enough of a romantic to believe that you can wish on a falling star so every time I was up on the roof at nighttime, I would gaze up in the sky, squinting my eyes to see if perhaps somewhere there was a glitch of light that would poof into oblivion. Alas, there wasn't. Most nights it was hard even to see the stars as the smog would obscure their crisp twinkle.

Then, in the perfect moment, the star appeared.

I can imagine God looking down and saying gently, See? I'm listening. I'm here. I know what your heart is longing for and this special message is just from Me to you to remind you that I will answer in My perfect timing. Just like this star.