Plastic Faces

Michael Buble's song I Wanna Go Home has been floating in the stillness today. Though there isn't someone special I'm missing particularly right now, the chorus echoes my loneliness. The sharp contrast of blue sky, white cloud, and clean lines of towering apartment buildings on the next mountain, along with the waving palm tree right outside my window fail to lift my mood. I'm trying to remind myself there are so many things to be thankful for, like life, friends, food, a bed to sleep on, cool weather.

But all I can think of is a pine-strewn gravel driveway, a white Suzuki, a small bedroom now devoid of personality, Walmart and Chipotle, steamed greens, laughter at Tangos, a calendar a month behind, and my precious family. Frustrated, I find myself wanting to return to the country I purposely left behind for this adventure. I miss the familiar, the known, the kindness of others.

Why is it so hard to identify that this life is my life now? Why does my heart insist on reaching out when my head knows undoubtedly that I live a life more fulfilled here? Why do I always feel like I'm living in limbo?

I realized one important thing today: I do not handle crises well, therefore I should not plan on going into career or ministry fields that are closely linked to crisis management such as school counseling, ADRA project management, social work, etc. I freeze or wait for others to act first instead of stepping up boldly to take control.

I realized another important thing also. I want to settle down. I wasn't made for traveling the world or even living in a country where I cannot communicate or relate. I was created to build quality relationships with a few friends, do my work well, support the church financially, and be faithful in learning Who God is. While I dearly love being here and continue to feel peace that God has led me here for this season, the tears are indicative that my heart still hasn't found its home.