Today was a bit more of a challenging day. Some days I come home to my room and I'm beaming because I've had a good interaction with people and I'm so happy. Other days I'm happy to retreat to my room and lock the door in silence because I'm tired of smiling when inside I don't feel like it and I've run out of energy to be positive. One of the teachers, an old friend, invited me to her office to chat for a while this morning and she remarked on how positive I always was on social media, always seeming to have the joi de vivre. I was honest and said I do have difficult days too. I just don't post those online because nobody likes to see people's depressing thoughts.
I'm struggling to find the balance between feeling comfortable and recognizing that things take time. I am impatient. I want to know right away who my best friends are going to be and I don't want to waste time with people who aren't going to be a significant part of my life. I want to have a desk and computer and knock out a whole slew of projects so I can impress my bosses and I don't want to feel overwhelmed and lost because I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing. I want to lose 30 pounds yesterday and I don't want to have to wait for it to slowly disappear as I walk the stairs and adjust my diet.
Tonight I was grateful for the kind women who noticed a lonely foreigner and surrounded me with their love and friendship. I long to be the one who is on the giving end but perhaps it is okay to be receiving for a time until I am ready to give to others. The coming year for me personally is one that I anticipate to be filled with emotional, spiritual, and physical healing. My mental and physical body has been in anxious knots for the past 17 years. It is finally time for me to let go and allow God to heal me from the inside so I can praise Him in sincerity.