Value Enough

Because who I am is value enough.

It had been one of those days. A day when something small and unrelated triggered a tsunami of emotions inside me and three hours after I'd woken up, I'd crawled back underneath the queen-sized quilt and tucked myself into a comfort-cocoon where I hoped the world wouldn't come knocking. My unsuspecting husband came to say goodbye before he left for class and found me there, tears in the corners of my eyes, unable to explain why I was emotional. I don't know was my response to every question he asked. I just feel sad, was all I could say.

I'm a thinker. I analyze, I process, I make lists, and I think. I'm pretty sure I think too much, though, which tends to land me in trouble as I find myself navigating an emotional mine-field in my own mind. When I think, everything magnifies to the point that I no longer have rational perspective on simple things. Today was one of those days.

I never had a bridal shower, kept going around in my head. It was a thought I'd had for 6 months now. My coworkers had talked about it for weeks, promising a nice one, but the wedding came and went without even a simple tea party in sight. I attributed it to the uncertainty of visas and wedding licenses until the very last minute, but simultaneously I knew, a bridal shower could have been had. After all, in the last 3+ years I had attended countless bridal showers. One young lady even had one thrown after the fact, as her wedding was held overseas. That, and no bachelorette party, made me feel like I was forgotten.

Then there was work. I tried, at times, to speak up and share my opinion about specific matters, but when they kept getting shot down as irrelevant or illogical, I felt inferior and eventually stopped speaking. The thoughts didn't go away, though. I kept thinking, involuntarily most of the time, about how things could be done better, how colleagues could be treated with more respect, how students could understand their value through providing basic needs, but I knew the thoughts had to stay within the invisible bubble that floated above my head.

And finally, there was life. Life in your own country, where you can speak the language and understand the systems of education, politics, or even something as simple as grocery shopping, is far simpler than life in a foreign country. I function from the somewhat naive perception that I am a cultural ninja/chameleon and can both adapt to and maneuver any new situation with ease and instant understanding. I assume that when I must go to a medical appointment at a new hospital that I will find the place—and parking—without the slightest hassle and when I find myself facing unknowns, I become overwhelmed.

This feeling of being overwhelmed seems to come accompanied by a strong sense of loss. It's somewhat new to me as I've only sensed the loss before when processing feelings of sadness. Now, though, I am understanding more clearly that when I feel like everything is just too much for me, it is tied to a feeling that if I were in a familiar place where I could manage, then I wouldn't feel so helpless. So now I am grieving the loss of something I never knew—a home in a country where I belonged.

The reality is that I will never be able to regain this loss. Yes, the Bible talks about God restoring the years the locusts have eaten, but it is physically impossible to recoup 35 years of non-elective nomadism. So I must face this reality and find a way to accept it so I can focus on other things such as the many wonderful parts of my life that are with me today.

In all of this, I want to be sure that the feelings are affirmed. It is not wrong to feel sad. It is a natural response to something in my environment that needs to be changed, understood, or accepted. When I feel overwhelmed, I may need to cry, eat a piece of chocolate, watch Yes, Prime Minister, go to the mall, or phone a friend. In my life situation right now, I may need to remind myself that this is only temporary and to look for the joy in the simple things in life. It's all about perspective after all. I can choose to stay in my thoughts of despair or I can choose to focus on the blessings.

I am thankful for a God Who understands me, has great compassion, and directs my life so clearly that I know He has a plan for me. I am thankful for a husband who is patient, diligent, encouraging, and loves me with all his heart. I am thankful for a Christian work environment and kind cheerful coworkers. I am thankful for close friends who care and reach out and for family who connect across the miles in meaningful ways. I am thankful for a clean, safe, and comfortable home and a car that works.

Above all, today I am thankful that who I am is value enough. I can get easily overwhelmed thinking about the many things I need to accomplish, from making doctor appointments to legally changing my maiden name to cooking delicious meals from scratch daily. I can feel like I need to put in more effort to stay connected to others, need to write a better paper for my graduate class, or need to spend more serious time in devotions to please God.

Yet God reminds me that the do-ing is not as valuable as the be-ing. If I check everything off my to-do-list but I neglect the weightier matters of the law, I become a mere Pharisee, eager to demonstrate my capabilities but forgetting the reason why or for Who I am doing these things. Jesus summed up the law in four words: Love God. Love others.

When I do things because they need to get done, and not to build value in others' eyes, I am showing love. I am taking the focus off my need for affirmation and getting the task done, which leaves my mind clear of overreacting thoughts that take away my ability to love God and love others. When I understand that my value is found in be-ing, being myself, being loving, being kind, then I am able to do with meaning and purpose. In doing so, I not only find my value, I also communicate value to everyone around me.

Because who we are is value enough.