Too Far

I did it. After a year, I finally buckled down and bought a laptop. I left it in the box for more than a week before opening it up and turning it on, but once I did, and my fingers touched the keyboard, I breathed a deep sigh and smiled. I was back.

A year ago, minus 3 days, I made my last post on this blog. A year is a long time to go without writing. During that year a lot has happened. Life changes. Work changes. But those weren't the reason why I finally reached for the brown acer box and turned on my new laptop for the first time. Today was the day I realized, once again, how very unfair this world is.

I'd been hearing it from my friends and colleagues for ages. So long, in fact, that I inwardly rolled my eyes and paid little attention to the details of their stories, it was all just drama, after all, and I'd heard it so many many times. Why couldn't they just move on and why did they insist on blaming it on specific people--the foreigners, to be precise--when they had their own ways of doing life that didn't make sense to me?

Then it happened to me and I understood why it hurt so much. Why the need to lash out in anger that stemmed from unspoken pain. Why it was easy to blame God since He, after all, should be taking care of us and not allowing us to be treated this way. Why the retreat from mandatory and optional service because why should we offer when our basic needs weren't being met? Why should we give more when it was not recognized, not affirmed, and sure as heck not recompensed?

I guess this is part of the curse of growing up in the church. You grow to expect more from those who, really, are humans just like yourself. Except you try to be fair and just, while they, the headless/heartless they appear to not be. So in the end you just give up. Why try? It only leads to you doing two jobs for an extra $13 a month or living in a bedroom for 3 years, cooking on a two-burner and trying to ignore the piles of laundry and dirty dishes that seem impossible to hide or keep up with.

I saw someone waiting for two months for something to be resolved. When it was, it was done so at the bare minimum. We accepted it, though, because at least it was somewhat better than the situation had been before. Then I saw something else get resolved in less than a week. This scenario involved much more resources than the former. I asked for housing for a year and a half. Someone else had an entirely new apartment made for them to live in for 2 months. Then the apartment sat, empty, while my request went unanswered.

Solomon talks about how God allows people to continue in their sinful ways so He can test them. Ecclesiastes 3:18

But who is to judge who is sinful? Aren't we all sinful? How about the wicked? Isn't it wrong to call somebody else wicked? After all, I wouldn't want anyone to end up in hellfire simply because I am not given the common courtesy that I am asking for.

The last time I asked for housing, they tried to make a joke about it. They said I could move into the broken down, unlivable, cement structure that had been sitting abandoned on the property for a number of years. I asked if they would provide a tent, my half-hearted attempt to go along with their stupid stupid comment. Had they washed their dishes in their bathroom sink for three years? Had they tried to keep fried eggs from splattering on the wall and wiped up food spills from their bedroom counter?

I know when something is unfair. I don't know, though, how to use my voice to speak up about it. Solomon reminds us that there is A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. But he also says there is A time to love and a time to hate. (Ecclesiastes 3:7,8). Is it okay to hate? As a Christian, is it okay to be angry about injustice and unfairness in this world? If so, how do we hate the action but not the person who initiates the action? How do we say, That's not right and then see things change? Will they ever change?

Right now, around the world, things much more horrific than what I've seen are happening. Children and women are being abused; men are being killed, whether for religious or cultural or simply evil motives. Do I have the right to be upset about what I know when it is a pebble in comparison to the Everest of injustices that abound outside my little sphere?

Perhaps, perhaps not. I made a promise to myself today. I promised myself that from this moment forward, my mission would be outside of the prescribed bubble I had heretofore lived in. I promised myself that I no longer had to please or befriend anybody. I would be professional but treat my job as strictly that--a job. I would no longer share personal information or go out of my way to be helpful.

Sometimes we have to go through pain for the glass to shatter in front of us and to see that what we thought was a beautiful oasis was a mirage all along. Sometimes we have to endure disappointment and loss to understand that this world is unfair, people make wrong decisions, and we cannot depend on the church nor leaders to have our best interests at heart. Sometimes we have to fight for our rights because if we don't, the world will continue on silently taking them away without thought.

Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place in our world. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and the victims are helpless. . .but Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. . .two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:1, 9, 10, 12